Tear Jerker? I think not.

This morning my good friend S. posted on Facebook about a new version of the “beloved” Shel Silverstein book ‘The Giving Tree’. The original is a lesson in codependence and is actually “behated” by myself and many other people. I have to think it’s only popular because it tricks people into crying at the end so they assume it must be touching when really it’s just horrible. In the new version, the ending is re-written with a message of healthy boundaries, empathy and an example of what it means to truly be friends. It’s genius. If you are curious you can see it here: https://www.topherpayne.com/giving-tree. Though I won’t blame you if you’d rather not be reminded of the story.

I’m now wondering about other screwed up endings disguised as something touching. The one that springs to mind is the song ‘Cat’s In The Cradle’ by Harry Chapin. For those of you who need a refresher here’s a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUNZMiYo_4s I’d never really thought much about that song other than, ‘Wow, what a tear jerker’, until a few years ago. I sang it to Felix one night before bed and he started asking for it all the time. As I sang it night after night, I developed a deep contempt for the song, to the point where I now feel genuinely pissed off every time I hear it. Some of you may already know this about me and if so, I apologize; it just makes me so angry.

The dad in the song isn’t around while his son is growing up and we don’t really know why. Maybe he wasn’t all that interested in being a parent in the first place, maybe financial circumstances demanded he was gone a lot, maybe he grew up with a bad example of what it means to be a father and couldn’t heal his own trauma, maybe he doesn’t really like young kids. It doesn’t matter, we just know he regrets not having spent more time with his son. That is heartbreaking and I feel for him. My issue with this dude comes at the last verse though:

I’ve long since retired, my son’s moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, I’d like to see you if you don’t mind
He said, I’d love to, dad, if I can find the time
You see, my new job’s a hassle, and the kids have the flu
But it’s sure nice talking to you, dad
It’s been sure nice talking to you
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
He’d grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

Songwriter Dad, who is now older and lonely and filled with nostalgia is wanting his son in his life. Understandable. But this guy admits he was kind of a crappy father and he’s never been that close with Son. Son has his own busy life now and can’t drop everything just because Dad wants him to. Dad is self centered enough to think that the reason Son isn’t able to see him right now is because he is “just like him”. But he isn’t. Son is taking care of his kids with the flu! He has a new job he’s trying to juggle while being a present father. He’s overwhelmed. But even with all he’s got going, even with the difficult relationship hanging over him, he cares about Dad and doesn’t want him to feel lonely, so he makes time for him with the phone call. But that’s not enough for Dad, oh no. He’s out of touch with what it means to be a parent so he thinks Son should be able to just leave whenever to come and see him. He’s not thinking at all about what is best for Son and the grandkids. He deludes himself into believing that he and Son are just the same in order to feel that he is still the biggest influence in Son’s life. It gives him an artificial feeling of closeness that he uses to protect his fragile ego. It’s fucked up.

I’m actually kind of worried about Son. He sounds pretty stressed and he’s got to be carrying around some serious baggage from growing up trying to get Dad to pay attention to him all the time. I wonder what kind of support he has. I’m afraid Dad is going to gaslight him into thinking their lack of closeness now is his fault. I really hope Son has a partner or friend who can help him see what a big, important thing he is doing by breaking the dysfunctional family cycle. I hope he knows the love his children have for him and the security they feel from having him around for the every day stuff, not just the occasional birthday celebration. I hope he knows that his father’s inability to be around had nothing to do with what kind of kid he was, but with his father’s own personal issues.

So in honor of the delightful new ending to ‘The Giving Tree’, here is my new ending for ‘Cat’s In The Cradle’.

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me,

He’d grown up to be his own person. My boy was different from me and I felt really proud of him. I realized I couldn’t fix the past but I could try to change the time we have left together and I resolved to be there for my son in whatever way was most comfortable and helpful for him.

I will offer to babysit the grandkids so I can develop a bond with them. I will tell Son that I’m really impressed with he man he has grown into. I will go to therapy and try to gain insight into my own negative behaviors and change them. I will understand that Son is in the busiest phase of his life and if I want to be a part of it, then I should work around his schedule and duties and not burden him with more responsibility. I will stop asking him to alleviate my guilt by giving too much of himself. I will realize that our family will probably never be my idea of perfect, but I will treasure it anyway. Lastly, I will stop writing affected folk songs about our flawed relationship to convince myself and others that I am wise in the ways of people and emotion.

Can someone put music to that?