Announcement and Back Story (aka I am Good at Making Things Complicated)
Have you noticed the ominous silence emanating from this blog? Yeah, me too. I was writing writing, inspired inspired, and then BAM! Life, in its sadistic way, snuck up and smacked me in the face.
It will come as no surprise to any of you that Robert and I have been contemplating a move to Italy. It has been a plan on the horizon for a while now but the details have been hazy. Some members of the family (me) have been pushing for this to happen sooner rather than later and some others (take a guess) have been, ugh, practical and averse to change. Then somewhere in early December, fate stepped in with a potent mixture of anxiety, depression, marital angst and insightful health professionals. Yada, yada, yada, we are moving in July! Except, of course, that the yada, yada, yada is the part full of feelings and shit so you can be sure I’m going to talk about it.
Now, I say that we are moving in July because it is the plan and we are moving forward with that plan, but there are many (so many) unknowns. Armed with a dangerously small amount of knowledge about the immigration process and what is involved with selling a small business, we concluded that having seven months from decision to moving gave us plenty of time to figure everything out. Well, unfortunately for us, it turns out that unless you have a European passport it’s actually not easy at all to move to Italy. Also, selling a business to your employees? Not so easy either. So I am now in the midst of hiring not one, but two lawyers, a business ownership transition specialist, a financial planner, a property manager, and a person with a large vehicle in Italy. I’ve never been so grown up and I plan to never be again.
I should have realized that getting a long term Italian visa would be difficult. If it was easy then all the disillusioned middle aged women would’ve flocked there by now. We have to proceed as if we will be leaving, but the insomnia inducing part of all of this is that we could do everything right, hire the right lawyer, apply for our visas perfectly, and still be turned down. There are lots requirements, which are shockingly difficult to fulfill if you are not a retired person, but they are not the be all and end all. The consulate has the ultimate discretion to say no, even if you check every box. It’s like they are Italian bureaucrats or something. And we won’t know until..? May? June? So we could get to the summer and all of a sudden have no jobs, no stuff, and someone else living in our house but not be able to move. So I am a wee bit wound up. And will be for the foreseeable future, sorry.
I want to talk a little more about why we decided to make this move now. The yada, yada, yada of it all. This is nuanced and sensitive stuff but in the interest of owning my own human-ness I am going to try to put it into words. I have been a daughter for almost 47 years. I’ve been a sister for 40, a wife for 22, a mother for 19, a homeowner for 12. I’ve been a friend, a pet owner, a granddaughter, a niece, a volunteer, an employee, a business owner, a care taker, a neighbor, a babysitter, a consumer. And each one of these things I have approached with the intention of being good at it. The stakes have felt high; there is no room for failure. Of course I have failed, many times over, and wished for wisdom/strength/patience/skill that was beyond me in those moments. One thing I haven’t ever been is just unapologetically, unabashedly, me, questioning my life. Something has been brewing in me for a while now, fueled by my time in Italy. A change is coming, whether I welcome it or push it away. I am unable to keep living a life weighted with someone else’s depression. I am equally unwilling to stay in a marriage out of habit or stubbornness and unwilling to leave just because this new territory is terrifying. And I am finished with the “buck-up” mentality that got me and us to a breaking point.
Habits and patterns are so hard to break. I have addictions to approval, insecurity, jealousy, and the desire to be better than everyone else. It’s the ugly, ugly truth of my inner self. These addictions have spawned all kinds of behaviors that may look like having your life together on the outside but are really wreaking havoc on the inside. In the last few months I’ve been overcome with a major case of “Fuck this shit.” Things that have always been just part of life are suddenly untenable. ‘Something needs to change’ screams my heart. ‘Yes it does’, says my head, ‘but how are you going to pull that off’? I am fully aware of the risk that I will just pack up all my problems, and everyone else’s, and bring them with me to Italy, but I am determined not to do that. I am sitting in the uncomfortable place of transition and holding faith that transformation can occur. I am hoping that a new environment, especially one that has nurtured my emerging self, will allow for the intentional creation of the new. What that looks like is not yet clear.
We all hate the not knowing place. I also hate discovering that maybe I have been holding onto an idea of myself that isn’t correct anymore. Maybe I’m not actually good, maybe I’m naughty? Maybe being a mom is not the job I was meant for. Maybe I’m not responsible, or pure of heart, or faithful, or generous. I don’t know. I have built a pretty tight container for myself, and also for my husband when it comes to what is acceptable. I have tried to protect myself from jealousy by never causing it and from abandonment by being always dependable. I model what I want from others and I am only now realizing it has been a form of imaginary control.
So, there is a lot of wondering and learning going on here inside my head. We are selling our business and hoping, with all our extremities crossed, to be allowed to move to Italy this summer. For the last few years I have expected that making this decision would make me feel liberated and thrilled and brave. And it does, it truly does, but unfortunately no big change comes without work and turmoil and goddamn opportunities for personal growth. I was not prepared for all the emotion that would be unleashed along with this choice and how transition would permeate every aspect of my life. Nothing is ever sure, though usually we convince ourselves otherwise. Right now there is no convincing. This time is vexing, to say the least, but stagnation is not an option any longer. And I think in the long run the discomfort will be a small price to pay for the chance to look ahead with fresh eyes. I am exhilarated by how much there still is to learn, about the beautiful world, and about the workings of the human heart.
Ah, the delicious and enticing, yet anxiety-inducing UKNOWN. Which leads me to one of my favorite quotes EVER: “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines! Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore! Dream! Discover!” -allegedly Mark Twain (but, actually not, it was Jackson Brown, Jr. in P.S. I Love You). At any rate – I would think about short term visas for periods of time and come back to the U.S. for stints until you can get a more permanent situation. A little nomadic, but you have a place over there, so maybe something to consider while you get your ducks in a row. Talk to an immigration attorney over there, of course. See how that might go over. Fingers crossed! Rooting for you!
Vanessa, I was just talking with a friend about how the things we regret most in life are the ones we don’t do. So bowlines are being cast off for sure. I hired an Italian immigration lawyer yesterday! Moving back and forth won’t work for us because we need to rent out our house here and put our son in school. So we are taking the big leap. Thank you for your enthusiasm!❤️
Ivy!!!
A big thank you to your glorious self for sharing your news in writing. It’s always a privilege to be exposed to your perspective on life transitions.
The type of change you describe is wild, and wonderful, despite the jarring process. Thank you for sharing. Please know we love and admire you from all angles. W&R
Wendy, I can’t thank you enough. We love and admire you right back!
Ivy! Aside from being a small business owner and home owner, I feel this so much in myself. Thank you for putting these yearnings and perspectives into words. I hope you overcome those doubts and that everything goes to plan. I’m very happy for you and your family. As a child, I imagined living in a small Italian village where I could enjoy the peace in a seaside cottage and purchase goods for the day from the local market. I want a simpler, more beautiful life and I hope you will get that for you, unabashed and unapologetically you.
Lisa, I know you understand the desire for something more simple and beautiful. All of us sensitive people do. Thank you for your sweet, loving comment.
Ivy, this is incredible on all levels, from the notion to the prose. I am so excited for you- crossing all extremities with you and will be waiting to hear that it’s a GO!
Thanks for rooting for us Mary! I will share the news about the visa, good or bad, when we have it. Hugs to you!
Wait…we’re moving to Italy?!
Count me in. Ti seguirei ovunque amore mio.
Ugh, I told you we were moving and you didn’t listen! Just kidding. Thanks for doing all this hard work with me.
So nice to recently reconnect. Of course coffee on .Bainbridge anytime! But if things pile up and you need a break, come to the beach, listen to the waves, feel the sand tween your toes and while looking at a seemingly endless horizon imagine what you may find just beyond that last wave.
It was so great to connect with you again Jim. We should definitely meet for coffee one of these days – though a beak at the beach sounds pretty darn good right now.
Geez Ivy… why you got to out me this way?! Name of your therapist(s) please… seriously.
Belinda, I have a sneaking suspicion that we are not the only ones…I will send you the name of my therapist privately. xo.
Ivy, beautifully written. When the boys were 5 and 9 years old and we decided to sell our home, sell all our stuff, buy a sailboat, and live on it, that was a scary decision until I realized the following: if we hate it we can sell the boat, buy another house etc. That realization was magic to me!
Nancy, I have thought about you and Kurt many times while deciding to do something off the beaten path. And when I worry about Felix I think about how amazing your kids turned out. We aren’t selling our house here so we can still change our minds. Love to you.
Ivy,
We had a big decision to make back in 1977 when I was offered a promotion to the home office near Boston—3,000 miles from family and friends. Mary decided that after living in Seattle for 33 years it was time for a new adventure. Off we went with four kids, Marybeth just three months old, and managed in a short time to love New England—so different from the Northwest—and quickly become part of our new community. One born and bred New Englander said to Mary, “You have made more friends in two years than I have in my lifetime.” So it can be done. After ten years that led to our next decision: move 5,000 miles to Hawaii for an even better job. It wasn’t easy on the kids (Sheila at U Massachusetts, Susan about to be a senior in high school, Jeff a freshman, and Marybeth and Andrew leaving the only friends they knew) but again it all worked out. It’s been 35 years here, all the kids and grandkids nearby, except Jeff and family, so following one’s path can be a blessing with the right partner and outlook. Best of luck and enjoy your journey.
FYI, Jeff and his wife, Sarah, are in the U.S. Foreign Service currently assigned to the Consulate in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Sarah is head of personnel matters for the region including Sao Paulo and Rio de Janiero and might have some useful advice on your move. If you are interested I’ll pass your info on to Jeff.
Bill, thank you for sharing your story. I knew, of course, about your moves, but hadn’t ever really thought about how challenging it must have been with your big family. I do think it is a great gift to give our kids an adventure (with a few hurdles thrown in). You and Mary were brave!
If Jeff and Sarah have any advice I am all ears – I am grateful for guidance wherever I can get it right now!
Ivy,
I love the black and white photo you included in this post. It is such a good visual for the place you find yourself, the place many of us have known. Opening upon opening revealing still another opening, yet the end is not in view, is completely obscured. Starting down such a path takes vision and faith and hope and yes, courage, and I see clearly how all these things have driven you over the last few months (and years ) of getting this plan off the ground. But as I watch you readying yourself for this change, the adjective that most frequently comes to my mind is fierce. Fierce is what you become when fighting for your life, fighting for the lives and happiness of those you love. There is an unrestrained quality to the momentum you are creating behind this move. Sooner or later your ferocity is going to wear down the Italian bureaucrats and you will have your visa. That same unrestrained momentum is also bound to fling you off the hamster wheel that you feel your life has become, and land you in a place where a quieter existence is possible. I don’t doubt it for a minute.
In the end, I think the quest for happiness is an inner one. Can you change yourself, your outlook, your habits, without changing your physical circumstances? The answer is probably different for us all. I do know that you have found a place in this world that wakes you up and makes you feel alive, that inspires and allows your creativity. And so you must not hesitate. Life is short. Though we will miss having you close by (fiercely), I am rooting for you with all my heart.
Thank you, thank you, for your support as we make what might seem like an impractical and crazy decision. We will miss you fiercely too, I know you know that, but we will be back to visit often, and with the ability to spend meaningful time together. It’s a new adventure and a new phase of life for the whole family. XO
Beautifully and honestly written Ivy. I admire & am drawn to authentic people more & more, fake & thoughtless drain my energy. What a gift and adventure you are giving your family & self. For both kids but especially your daughter, the old rules are tired, don’t always make a joyful life & often need to be broken. Good luck with the hard stuff!
Elizabeth, thank you for allowing me to be in your life! Your realness and support mean more than you know.
I’m only just seeing this—that’s what I get for never checking my email! I love you to pieces for too many reasons to list, but the honesty and introspection of this has me teary—though in a good way. I’m so excited for you! I’ve no doubt you can do this, but if you ever start to waver, just do what I do (a lot) : tell yourself, “people dumber than me [insert challenge here] everyday.” It’s a good boost, lol.
It’s so funny that you would write that Charlynn because our family motto is “People stupider than me have ____. ” Except in this case I’m not sure it’s true… Thank you for being someone who appreciates honesty and introspection, as well as good laugh.
Ivy, you are truly an inspiration. I completely admire your honesty and this truly exciting transition for you and your family. You are full filling your dream! I hope in the future, I am that brave enough to do the same thing!
I can’t wait to read more! Congratulations 🥰
Ivy, you are truly an inspiration. I have so much respect on how fierce and brave you are! Congratulations to you and your new adventure!
Thank you Katie! Maybe someday you will come to visit us..?
Yes absolutely!!